What's in a name?

While browsing through the baby aisle in a store recently, I realized there aren't very many gender neutral baby items out there. This may effect our decision to tell friends and family Baby's gender. We shall see. In the meantime, I plugged our choices for baby names into a "Baby Name Advisor*" and found the results pretty interesting. The Advisor somehow 'calculates' the personality type of a person by their first middle and last names. Our name choice for a boy sounded a little like Jason, and the choice for our girl's name sounded more like me. :)

Boy:

Responsible, caring, loving, nurturing, healing and comforting, the name ______ is warm and makes one feel loved and special. Harmonious and peaceful, the name ______ feels good to anyone, but doesn't call up any particular feeling strongly. ______ is neutral, suitable for those for whom stability and harmony are high priorities. Good sense of business, but slow and not particularly adaptable. Strong sense of beauty, but not passionate. Idealistic, with a strong sense of justice. The name ______ makes one feel like a home away from home. It offers protection and love. It takes away anxiety and fears, and heals the broken-hearted. If you want others to feel like this is their home, this is their safe haven, then this is an excellent name. The name ______ attracts money slowly, predictably, the result of effort and common sense.

Girl:

The name _____reflects drive, a pioneering spirit, leadership, independence and originality. The energy behind this name is strong and forceful and promotes an unconventional, innovative, and decisive approach. Highly focused and self-reliant, the name ______ carries with it an unmistakable "can do" attitude. It reflects confidence, energy, strength and perseverance. There is a definite sense of danger and risk-taking as well. The name ______ does not inspire patience and sensitivity, and does not promote cooperation or a diplomatic approach to problem solving. Think of this name as a masculine, aggressive, creative force. This name makes one think of strength, originality, courage, imagination, creativity, and confidence.

* If you want to try it out, here's the link: http://www.babyzone.com/babynames/baby-name-advisor.asp

Horray for spandex

I'm officially out of the first trimester! Saturdays are always exciting because it means Baby and I have made it another week. This Wednesday, Jason and I will drive down the mountain to hear Baby's heartbeat and have our monthly check-up. And to celebrate the changing of trimesters with you, we also decided to post a picture of the growing belly. It's not much yet, I know, but I'm pretty surprised I'm showing at all, so it's very exciting. I was pretty slim when this all started, so it's very obvious to me that Baby is making himself known. I'm very quickly moving into pants with some, well, room to move. (Stretchy-pants-trimester, here I come!)

Spring Snow

Do you know that old adage, "April showers bring May flowers"? Well, what do you get when it snows at the end of April?

The weather in Big Bear has been crazy this year. The annual snow fall, which is now officially over ten feet, has broken records dating back to the 60s. Residents here are a little in denial. Any report of upcoming snow in the forecast and everyone goes into a chorus of, "No way, that can't be right." After the five feet of snow that came down within two days in December, it does seem pretty impossible.

At least Lilly and JJ still enjoy the snow. I suspect one of the reasons is because they know I won't leave them outside while we're at work. That, and Lilly dearly loves to dig her nose in the snow and pretend that she is on the hunt. She "catches" the occasional stick.

Here in Babyland, I'm not effected much by the changing weather. In fact, every day seems rather sunny to me. Although, Jason and I did have to brave the weather last night to drive to Walgreens and pick up a last minute prescription. My midwife called in a (baby-safe) antibiotic for me just thirty minutes before the pharmacy closed. The drive there typically takes ten minutes, but with the snow coming down, we arrived just as they were closing the window and locking up. The pharmacist was less than thrilled to see me fly around the corner in my pajamas asking her to please fill my prescription. Don't worry, the antibiotic is for a pretty minor issue, my midwife was just a little anxious to get me started on the meds so that it wouldn't become a bigger problem.

And so, all is well here on the mountain as we try to enjoy the (hopefully!) last snow of the season.

Babies, babies, babies and Superman

Jason's college roommate, Jordan, is visiting for a while and we took him to the San Diego Zoo this past Sunday. Being Springtime, there were new babies everywhere: orangutan babies, piglet babies, giraffe babies, camel babies, elephant babies, llama babies, people babies... we were surrounded. It was lovely.

It's funny to me how many similar characteristics babies of all species share. There they were, babies of all kinds, annoying their parents, snuggling into the safe refuge of their mothers, staring wide-eyed into their new world in awe, picking on their siblings, and doing the equivalent of a toddler begging for candy. And the mothers all had a similar quality as well: they were tired.

But don't worry about me, I seem to be filling my sleeping quota for the next year in preparation for Baby. Jason really doesn't give me much slack on the baby excuse. He says I can't use the baby if I've always slept like a bear in hibernation. I tell him to mind his own business. Then, exhausted from my defense, I take a nap.

Truly though, I'm finding out now more than ever what an incredible partner I have in Jason. My hormones have been giving us both a little grief lately, and it's so nice to have someone to emotionally collapse against. I don't know how he does it. Before leaving for the zoo Sunday morning we had an argument about what to do with our puppy, Lilly. She had dug out of the yard the night before and we were up late trying to find her. Coyotes are all over the mountain here and they don't discriminate much when it comes to dinner. So, that night I was panicking about Lilly while Jason tried to explain that surely someone had picked her up and they would call in the morning. He was so calm it was driving me crazy. Don't you know she's only five months old, Jason?! She's going to freeze, it'll get down to 25 tonight! Someone probably took her alright, and we'll never see her again! But Jason has the mentality that I think most men have: if something's totally out of their control, they accept that there's nothing they can do about it. Not me. If it's out of my control I will incessantly worry about it. It never does any good, but I feel like I'm at least doing something. After an hour of this habitual worry, our neighbor brought Lilly home.

So, the next morning, after very little sleep, we argued about what to do with Lilly. Now typically when we argue, which is pretty rare, there's a certain point where we've both heard each others point of view and one of us just decides to let it go and the argument is over. Well, we came to that point, but then something very strange happened. My hormones took over. I swear it was Baby. There was no right answer, I just wanted, almost needed to be angry. There was no way out for poor Jason. That night, I apologized to Jason and pleaded temporary insanity. Then, somewhere in the middle of my apology I started to cry. Baby again. I told him, through my sobbing, that I'm terribly mean and impatient and I don't cook enough and I hate laundry and I make an awful wife and I'm about to make a horrible mother. I was crying so much I doubt he could make out half of what I was saying. He held me and told me sweet things until I fell asleep.

I swear, he's Superman. How can he be so tender and so strong for me at the same time? Not to mention the fact that he can survive my wrath in full force. It's impressive really. He's going to make a wonderful father. Plus, if my hormones keep this up, he'll be fully prepared for dealing with both the Terrible Twos and those dreaded teen years of random emotional explosions. I guess I do have it all.

So, how are you feeling?

I get this question a lot, so I thought I should update you all on how the baby making is going! I did not have the kind of first trimester you see in movies. There was no camping in the bathroom with debilitating nausea while living on crackers and ginger ale. Thank goodness. In fact, I felt sick only in the evenings and typically because I had not eaten in a while. So far, the only physical evidence of Baby is an ever expanding chest that, at this rate, seems intent on going through the first half of the alphabet before Baby arrives and a digestive system that's on pre-maternity leave. If you were to ask Jason, he might also say that I've had a few, mild mood swings. Barely noticeable :) Thankfully, Jason has the patience of a saint, a trait that I'm certain will come in handy over the next eighteen years.

Our next appointment is in a couple of weeks, Wednesday the 28th, and we will be able to hear the heartbeat at this time. ♥ I'm so excited. It's incredible to me that it's even possible to be so involved in the creation of new life. Although this will be the first time we are able to hear it, Baby's heartbeat has been going strong since week six. At that point, the heart was the size of a sesame seed and had only two chambers; it has since fully developed into four chambers. I try to imagine how that little heart must have began with it's first amazing beat.

Very soon, we will also find out if Baby is a boy or girl. This happens next month, around the end of May. But don't get too excited, Jason and I have not yet decided if we would like to share that news. We're leaning toward keeping it quiet. Names will certainly be a surprise. We have two picked out, one for a boy and one for a girl, and for a few different reasons, they're not negotiable so we will be calling Baby by his (or her) name by June. You, dear reader, will have to wait until October. We've decided not to tell anyone the name for a couple of reasons, firstly, everyone always has an opinion on the name and we're pretty set on the names we've chosen. We'd rather not solicit opinions that we can't use anyway. And secondly, I think it's more fun to introduce Baby by his name, "Grandma, Granddad, meet your grandchild, Who Dat* Juneau!"

But don't feel too left out of the fun. We are hoping to video tape our visit in a few weeks so you will be able to hear the heartbeat too. And this week we will also be taking our first "belly pictures" so you can watch us progress over these next several months. Already, I have a bit of a bump. Baby is still rather low, so a lot of the bump is that elusive digestive system that is being relocated by the cantaloupe setting up camp in my uterus. But I like it. It all means the same thing, there's no stopping him now, Baby is on the way!

* I have to note here that Jason desperately wanted me to change this previously blank line to "Who Dat Juneau". This is his loving contribution to the blog :)

Cute Kids

Here are a few videos that make me excited about having kids :) If you haven't seen these, you should watch them. And if you have seen them... you should watch them again!

Wait, are you suuuure?

A few days, and several pregnancy tests later, Jason and I were finally convinced (or so I thought) that yes, we were indeed smack-dab in the middle of a miracle. Because we had conceived so quickly after removing the birth control, I had not yet had a normal cycle, so our midwife scheduled an early ultrasound to determine exactly how far along the baby was. The date for the ultrasound was March 8th. I made a calendar at work the day we made the appointment. I highlighted the box of March 8th. The next day, I began to mark off the days until March 8th. Every day was one box closer to March 8th. I wrote “Ultrasound!” in the March 8th box. I changed the font to script. I made it bold. I was sure time had stopped and March 8th would never come. This was only three days after we had made the appointment. It was at this point that I wondered if “neurotic” was a legitimate symptom of pregnancy. I’m going with, “yes”.

Lo and behold, March 8th did come. Jason and I drove down to Victorville to St. Mary’s Hospital. Before the ultrasound, the hospital has to officially determine that you are pregnant. A nurse handed me a cup and pointed to the bathroom. Oh no. This was finding out all over again. As I sat in the waiting room with Jason, waiting to find out if I was officially pregnant, I started worrying. “Jason… what if I’m not pregnant?” Jason stared at me wondering how he could have married someone so ridiculous. “What will they say if I’m not? ‘Sorry, it must have been a faulty batch of home pregnancy tests! Better luck next time!’”

Jason just held my hand, “Well we know you’re at least half-pregnant.” The results came back; I was all-the-way-pregnant. We were put into a private room and prepared for the ultrasound. The nurse moved the sonogram wand over my stomach as Jason and I squinted into the static of the screen hoping to recognize our little bean. The nurse tapped at her keyboard for several minutes. Finally she said, “This is your baby.” I looked at the screen. “You’re six weeks and four days.” I squinted at the screen. “Everything looks great, I’ll try and find the heartbeat for you.” I wondered if their ultrasound equipment had been replaced with a Magic Eye poster. Maybe if I focus and unfocus my eyes, a baby will appear. Jason saw the heartbeat before I did.

“Wow, that’s incredible!” He was in total awe. Finally I saw it, a flicker of pixels. A heartbeat. A baby. Now, I’m pregnant.

It’s amazing how much disbelief I have when trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m pregnant. It’s very strange. I know that I’m pregnant in a factual sense, but the realization of this comes and goes in beautiful flashes of clarity. Being pregnant means I’m going to have a baby. Jason and I are going to have a baby. Right now, right this minute, there is a baby inside of me doing unfelt baby acrobatics.While I am certain that this will wear off as my mid-section slowly becomes a constant reminder, a part of me is enjoying these epiphanies, however redundant they may seem. After all, I am making a baby you know. That's kind of a big deal. :)

How we... half-way found out

Well, this all started Superbowl weekend. That's right folks, we have a true Saints fan in the making :) A week later and I was feeling a little... different. Jason and I had started trying for a baby in the middle of January, just a month before, so I wasn't letting myself get too worked up over the possibility of being pregnant so soon. I took a test anyway. It was negative. A couple more days passed and I couldn't believe that pregnancy test, of course I couldn't really believe the alternative either. I took another one. Negative. I tried not to think about it. I lasted two more days.

It was six or so in the morning and I was getting ready to take Jason to work. I chastised myself as I pulled out yet another pregnancy test. I told myself I was wasting good money on these tests as I unwrapped it. And as I waited for the tell-tale pink line, I thought, "This is ridiculous, this is the last one. I can't believe I let myself...wait... is that...NO. WAY." Slowly I walked out of the bathroom holding the test out like a winning lottery ticket. Jason was sitting on our bedroom floor petting our newest addition, a Labrador mix named Lilly. Now, I have planned for this moment for a long time. I planned how I might take Jason out to a nice dinner and ask him how he would feel about becoming a daddy. I planned how I might write him a sweet note and put it in his lunch so he would read it at work, and how I would be waiting outside his office and whisk him off to play hookie so we could enjoy the good news. I planned how I might make him a slide show of our history together beginning with pictures from our first few dates and go through our wedding and our move to California and end with a picture of the positive pregnancy test. None of these things happened. Instead I sat on the floor beside him and handed him the test, "There's two lines." We sat in silence trying to process this information. "But it's only a faint line so..." I trailed off, confused.

"Does that mean your half pregnant?" His voice was half question, half comment. It was a ridiculous thing to say and I could tell Jason was in shock, but as funny as it is looking back, it seemed like a perfectly relevant question to me at the time. Yes, I thought, that must be it. I'm half pregnant. For whatever reason, this fact was enough for the both of us to continue on with our day, and I took Jason to work as usual.

It took me two more days to seriously ask myself what in the world I was doing walking around believing I was half-pregnant. Over the next week, I took two more tests, each with a more pronounced pink line. It was official, we would spend the next several months waiting for Baby.

Baby Engagement

Last year I made a resolution. It wasn't on New Years Day exactly, that day I was too busy enjoying time with friends and family (and perhaps drinking a little) to worry about making changes to my life. I made the resolution a few weeks later. I decided that if Jason and I were going to try to bring a life into the world, we should prepare ourselves for this monumental change just as much as we had prepared for our marriage. Before our wedding day, Jason and I talked extensively about our expectations of each other in our upcoming marriage. We talked about where we hoped to be as a family in a year, in five years, in ten years. We talked about what it meant to each of us to be married. We talked about kids. We talked about jobs. We talked about retirement. We talked about upholstery and whether or not we should register for silverware. We talked about everything. We talked about our ideal life together, and we talked about how we would deal with conflict when our life together wasn't ideal. Thinking about all of our preparation for the wedding, I resolved to spend 2009 preparing myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually for a baby, to give Jason and I both some time to talk about all the intricacies of starting a family. A baby engagement, if you will.

While wanting a baby is nothing new to me, the prospect of actually being in a position to make it a reality is exhilaratingly new. I remember taking a Women's History course in college with a professor who I can only describe as a modern suffragette. Our first week of class, each student was to introduce themselves by major and tell what they were hoping to accomplish with their degree. My major at the time was political science, to which my professor cooed with delight. Then, I told her my aspirations of becoming a housewife and stay-at-home mom. I remember her asking me, "But why? You're getting a degree." As though getting a college degree would somehow negate any reason to procreate. I tried explaining that I considered getting a degree an integral part of parenthood for myself. If I have the chance to further the odds of my children continuing their education by doing so myself, I feel I have the responsibility to do just that. She stared at me. I stared back, confidently. I believe some people have a calling in life, something they will feel complete doing.

Mine is motherhood.