Wait, are you suuuure?

A few days, and several pregnancy tests later, Jason and I were finally convinced (or so I thought) that yes, we were indeed smack-dab in the middle of a miracle. Because we had conceived so quickly after removing the birth control, I had not yet had a normal cycle, so our midwife scheduled an early ultrasound to determine exactly how far along the baby was. The date for the ultrasound was March 8th. I made a calendar at work the day we made the appointment. I highlighted the box of March 8th. The next day, I began to mark off the days until March 8th. Every day was one box closer to March 8th. I wrote “Ultrasound!” in the March 8th box. I changed the font to script. I made it bold. I was sure time had stopped and March 8th would never come. This was only three days after we had made the appointment. It was at this point that I wondered if “neurotic” was a legitimate symptom of pregnancy. I’m going with, “yes”.

Lo and behold, March 8th did come. Jason and I drove down to Victorville to St. Mary’s Hospital. Before the ultrasound, the hospital has to officially determine that you are pregnant. A nurse handed me a cup and pointed to the bathroom. Oh no. This was finding out all over again. As I sat in the waiting room with Jason, waiting to find out if I was officially pregnant, I started worrying. “Jason… what if I’m not pregnant?” Jason stared at me wondering how he could have married someone so ridiculous. “What will they say if I’m not? ‘Sorry, it must have been a faulty batch of home pregnancy tests! Better luck next time!’”

Jason just held my hand, “Well we know you’re at least half-pregnant.” The results came back; I was all-the-way-pregnant. We were put into a private room and prepared for the ultrasound. The nurse moved the sonogram wand over my stomach as Jason and I squinted into the static of the screen hoping to recognize our little bean. The nurse tapped at her keyboard for several minutes. Finally she said, “This is your baby.” I looked at the screen. “You’re six weeks and four days.” I squinted at the screen. “Everything looks great, I’ll try and find the heartbeat for you.” I wondered if their ultrasound equipment had been replaced with a Magic Eye poster. Maybe if I focus and unfocus my eyes, a baby will appear. Jason saw the heartbeat before I did.

“Wow, that’s incredible!” He was in total awe. Finally I saw it, a flicker of pixels. A heartbeat. A baby. Now, I’m pregnant.

It’s amazing how much disbelief I have when trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m pregnant. It’s very strange. I know that I’m pregnant in a factual sense, but the realization of this comes and goes in beautiful flashes of clarity. Being pregnant means I’m going to have a baby. Jason and I are going to have a baby. Right now, right this minute, there is a baby inside of me doing unfelt baby acrobatics.While I am certain that this will wear off as my mid-section slowly becomes a constant reminder, a part of me is enjoying these epiphanies, however redundant they may seem. After all, I am making a baby you know. That's kind of a big deal. :)